Thought 188: Greed makes you shameless

Unless you put in the bank first, you cannot withdraw. This is more so in human relationships. Overdrafts are rarely allowed in human relationships. In human relationships, there are no one-way streets also. This is understood very well by every adult – although a child may not understand and conform to such adult norms.

A child is usually very selfish – and greedy. The child takes everything from the parents (society) without contributing anything to the society and the society readily grants whatever the child wants. But the society scorns at the grownups when they indulge in a child-like behavior - prompted by greed and selfishness.

Greedy persons try to take everything they can get freely from others. They do not mind what others think of them; greed makes them immune to shame. I know one woman who took away all the jewelry of her mother (when mother passed away suddenly), which she should have shared equally with her sibling. She also had hidden all the legal papers relating to the family property when the father died a few years later– and quietly took a power of Attorney from the sibling ostensibly with honest intentions, but actually she had no real intention of sharing the family property also (such as house sites, stocks, buildings) with the other lawful claimant. All property disputes between children when the parents are gone are of this nature only. This is what Duryodhana did to the Paandavas.

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Thought 187: Tough times do not last, tough guys do

You can handle happiness all by yourself - you do not need outside help for this. But people flock to you at these times, like the flies on the sweets in a sweets shop in India, with offers of unsolicited help. When adversity visits you, however, you could do with some outside help; you could do with some moral support at least. It is at such times that people avoid you scrupulously. They do not want any part of you. You are severely left alone - to manage the difficult times all by yourself. Some may even gloat, saying, "at last he got what he should have got long ago".

It is at these times that persons with no moral and ethical values break down. They get into self-pity mode. Some persons may even get into depressions. But those with values in life, remain unperturbed even during the toughest times. The five Paandava kings showed us (in Mahaabhaarat) by their calm behavior during all the 14 years they were forced to spend in jungles - when their kingdom was usurped by their crooked cousin, Duryodhana. The Paandavas faced tough times with “a Prayer, positive thinking and patience”(the three P’s formula of Sashi, my daughter)

Thoughtful parents do their best to instill values in their children. Values build character and strength. When you have character and strength, it is not too difficult to go through tough times.

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Thought 186: You like to hear good things said about you

It is a common human failing to hear good things said about oneself – and never hear bad things said about oneself. My former boss, Brigadier Chakravarti used to say, "If you have to talk about me at all, talk good things about me. You make sure that you talk well about me - to someone who will convey to me all those good things you said about me. At best, I would hear about it and like you immensely. At worst, I will probably suspect that you are flattering me for a purpose. But I cannot do anything to you when you talk good about me. I certainly can't be unpleasant to you because you are talking well of me! You see how helpless people become when you talk well of them". This is a very profound statement.

He also added, "But if you have to talk ill about me, only talk to yourself and not in front of any other person, however close he is to you today. These things have a way of coming back to me". I asked him, "What happens if they come back to you? How do you react? Would you believe what you hear?" He said, "You know people are like elephants - they have big ears but small eyes. After all, remember, I am also human, like any one else. When the opportunity comes, naturally, I will fix you!"

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Thought 185: People always talk - it is their prerogative

People are always talking - whether you like what they are talking or not. They are talking about everything, about everyone - even about themselves too. When they talk about themselves, it sounds like they are blowing their own trumpet.

They say that god has given us two eyes to see better, two ears to listen better but only one mouth to talk less! But this maxim is followed more in its breach than in compliance.

People talk - all the time. It is their right to talk. You may or may not like to listen to it. It is your right too - not to listen. Anything that you do in life becomes the concern of others. If you do well, it is talked about - some with admiration and others with jealousy. If you do not do well, it is also talked about - some with sympathy, others with a satisfaction that at last you are getting at least now - what you deserved to get long ago.

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Thought 184: Certain backgrounds result in certain types of behavior

When the baby calls the father "bad boy, daddy", the father not only does not complain, but he actually enjoys being called a "bad boy". He tells his wife proudly that the child is calling him a "bad boy". But were the child to call him a "bad man" 20 years later, he would have an entirely different response. There was no reaction to the baby calling him a "bad boy daddy", because there was an appreciation of the background from which the baby called him names. The background is innocence. Even when the older boy calls him a "bad man", there is perhaps a background - but the father is not willing to understand and accommodate this background.

Every person comes from a given background - and certain backgrounds result in certain types of behavior. With a certain kind of father, mother, associates, relatives, schooling, other environmental factors that went into a person's upbringing, he gets programmed in a unique way - and consequently, he behaves in a correspondingly unique way. With a similar background, I too would behave the same way as this person. That type of consideration of another person's background as the basis of my responses is what I call maturity.

But the great thing about a human being is that his childhood programming can be "undone". As an adult, I can always reprogram myself and change the habitual behavior patterns rooted in my childhood. This, of course, requires an intense internal urge to reprogram myself.

My response to a behavior depends on whether or not, I am able to understand and appreciate why the person is behaving the way he does. If I can appreciate the background, I will perhaps have sympathy for him. Or else, I will be angry. Sympathy gives rise to accommodation. Anger results in reaction – and resentment.

It is not easy to understand a person; it requires a great deal of patience. I know people, who have been very close friends for over a decade, becoming enemies suddenly. Both are unwilling to understand and accommodate each other - now. They were able to understand and accommodate each other until the hostility arose between them.

If one is willing to understand the background, he will try to accommodate. With a proper understanding of the background, he will refrain from reacting - and start responding.

The next thought is about “People always talk - it is their prerogative”

Thought 183: Every culture has its rules

The rules of Dharma are simply “ethics or moral values”. These ethics are especially concerned about values that should be instilled in children, when they are still young and impressionable. Some of you may question as to how we can succeed in life, if we operate with such highly principled norms, in the work places, which are invariably infested with ruthless and sometimes, even savage operators. I understand that the work place culture is a jungle culture – and I also understand that there are predators in every jungle. This thought, however, may clarify all such doubts.

We all have a family. We all have friends too. We all work also. Mostly, we operate in these three environments only.

These three environments invariably are quite distinct – dominated by their own distinct and unique cultures. Whatever culture we have in our family environment, for instance, does not prevail in the work environment. Every work place culture is unique to the particular work place only. Dealing and wheeling, however, is a common feature of the work place culture. “If I do this for you, what will you do for me in return” is the rule there. Every work place has its own politics and polarizations. Even in such work places, there may be individuals, who follow certain unquestionable ethics, but these are the exceptions to the rule.

Every culture has its own unique rules. Every culture has also its own unique ethics. It is Dharma when you follow the ethics and rules of a culture – no matter what they are.

When we are not aware of this fact, we tend to apply the ethics and rules that are applicable at home to the work place and vice versa. Consequently, when we do not get the expected responses, we are subject to disappointments, frustrations and conflicts. When there is no confusion about what ethics and rules we should follow in each culture, however, we are peaceful and happy.

Among friends too, we find both types of cultures. In some, we find a culture similar to what prevails in our own family - and in others, we find a business-deal type of culture. It is essential to clearly distinguish and recognize the type of culture in which the friend wants to operate. Here again, when there is no confusion, there are no disappointments, frustrations and conflicts.

Further, among the friends, there are two categories – those who are close friends, and those who try to pass for close friends, while in reality they are only acquaintances. A close friend does good without expecting any return. An acquaintance wants a return for every small thing he does for you; it is always a business deal with him. Here again, when we do not understand or recognize this fact, conflicts arise – and we are unhappy.

A similar confusion arises in relationships also. A relative should basically be a good friend – when only the relationship becomes a lasting relationship. Otherwise, it is either business relationship or a relationship marked by a series of ego trips - neither contributing to your happiness.

The next thought is about Certain backgrounds result in certain types of behavior.

Thought 182: The James Bond philosophy

When you hit a tennis ball hard on the ground, it bounces up. The greater the force with which you hit it, the higher it rises.

There are some people who are like the tennis ball. They consider every crisis as a challenge. The more severe the challenge, the more thrilled they are. The James Bond disposition – the 007 spirit. When you see the hair raising experiences of James Bond in his thrillers, you wonder how anyone can go through such nerve wracking experiences, with such brash unconcern to danger. But he does, with his unflappable disposition and temperament, which help him to wriggle out of those incredibly tense situations, unscathed. Imagine what would have been his condition, had he broken down, under the pressure of any of those testy moments, with self pity!

The episodes of James Bond may sound bizarre, but they have their uses too. They tell you that, if you do not panic and you do not indulge in self pity, you have the potential to improvise a solution to any difficulty or problem. I believe that life must have its thrilling moments – if only to recount to your grand children, sitting in front of the fire place, during the long winter evenings.

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