Thought 158: Saying without thinking

To "Say and then think" is even worse than to "act and then think". They say that “We are the masters of our unsaid words and slaves of those we let slip through".

Every one, no matter how old, commits mistakes. A child or a young person is perhaps more prone to commit mistakes than a mature person. When children commit mistakes, for instance, we lose our temper and yell at them. We heap the blame on them and call for explanation, causing a lot of harm to their psyche. In our anger, we may say many things to them without thinking and then, we feel sorry later.

Whenever we say something to the children and they get hurt – what has produced the hurt? It is the words - and the thoughts behind the words. How powerful these words are! And we use this power without thinking. Instead, if we were to say, "OK, child, whatever has been done, is done. You, like anyone else, cannot undo what has been done. There is no point in worrying over it now - there is nothing you can do after the event. Let us see what we can learn from this mistake", the child would not feel hurt at all; on the other hand, he may in all probability, overcome this habit though self-effort itself.

The next thought is about “How you allow a crisis to build”

Thought 157: Acting without thinking

There are some people who have a habit of acting without thinking – because they are not alert most of the time. They are creatures of habit. The compulsive eaters come under this category; they eat ice creams, for instance, without thinking - even when they have severe cold. They eat a lot of food by habit whether they are hungry or not – and become obese. There are also the compulsive drinkers – who keep drinking every day whether they need a drink or not; these persons keep drinking every day until they get drunk. After some time, drinking becomes a habit with them – and eventually, they become alcoholics and destroy themselves.

There are many persons who act without thinking and regret immediately. I know an old gentleman who hit a child on the head just because the ball with which the child was playing hit his car which was parked nearby. When the parents of the child came to protest, he regretted and apologized profusely. Children do these things and when such things happen, the elders should not act impulsively without thinking. There are many people who act impulsively and commit crimes, even heinous crimes – without thinking. If only they pause for a while (and count say, from 1 to 10), many of them would refrain from committing those heinous crimes.

In the Telugu language, there is an expression called, “Pulliah Vemvaram”. Once upon a time, in a small village in the Andhra Pradesh, a land lord told his servant Pulliah, “Heh, Pulliah, tomorrow morning, you will have to go to Vemvaram (another small village a few miles away)”. The next morning, the land Lord was looking for Pulliah but he was no where to be seen. After some time, Pulliah makes an appearance and informs the land lord with beaming countenance, which was also oozing delight and satisfaction for a job well executed, “Sir, I went to Vemvaram early in the morning and came back”. The land lord was aghast. He said, “Why did you go to Vemvaram and what did you do there?” Pulliah answered innocently, “I do not know all that. Last night you told me to go to Vemvaram and early in the morning, I went there as instructed by you - and came back!” These are the people who do things mechanically.

The persons, who act mechanically without thinking, do so because their father or mother did act in this manner under similar circumstances – and they think it is the right thing to do even now. They refuse to think for themselves. I know a gentleman who got his daughter married (a few years ago) when she was just 14 years – because his father did exactly the same thing for his sister when she was 14. If only he gave a thought to this – he would have realized that what his father did to his sister may have been alright perhaps in those days – but it certainly is not alright in these modern times. Thus, the tendency to act without thinking is a habit, which runs in some families. These people believe in tradition – tradition takes precedence always in their lives over intelligent and thoughtful living.

If a young person has a habit of acting mechanically without thinking, he needs guidance to overcome this habit. He will overcome this habit, only if you were to sit with him and help him overcome the habit. This is positive thinking and you will be seeding a wholesome, new, positive approach and attitude in the youngster, when you guide him properly and positively in this manner.

When you act or decide mechanically without thinking, things will go wrong - most of the time. When they go wrong, you worry – then, worry becomes your main preoccupation. When you are not worrying, your mind is either napping or snoozing. Life's important things always catch us napping, because we are not alert.

Further, if a person commits a mistake now, the consequences of this mistake will catch up with him only some time in future. By not correcting this habit of acting first and then thinking later, you are not only making your present unhappy, but you are committing your future also to unhappiness.

The next thought is about “Saying without thinking”

Thought 156: Dealing with difficult people

This world is made of all kinds of people. There are friendly persons; there are hostile persons too. The hostile persons do not conform exactly to your standards of good behavior. They may not share your values also. Many of them may probably cause a lot of annoyance to you by their crude and insensitive behavior; may irritate you frequently; may constantly work to cross purposes; may be a little too loud to your liking; may even look incapable to you but succeed nevertheless. You find very often that you have to get on amicably with some or all of these types of persons - and this sets up stresses for you.

Many of these difficult people are belligerent for no reason. They try to bite you when you go near them – like wild animals. They are negative people. They are highly egoistic. They are arrogant – and think that they alone are right all the time. They look down and try to trample on you for no reason. Every body meets one or two of this type in their life time.

Actually the difficult people are very unhappy people. They carry some hurt inside – and when they do not know how to deal with this hurt, they turn belligerent. Most of the time, such persons are in a state of bewilderment; because of which, they deal with life in a state of confusion. When you are bewildered, you tend to take unnecessary positions and try to defend them, even if those positions are silly. And they never bother to correct themselves; they also do not endeavor to control their bellicose habits, which have entrenched themselves in their minds.

It is not easy to deal with difficult people. There are no tried and proven rules. This is a typical "dirty" problem. You have to deal with each difficult person on a trial and error basis.

The next thought is about “Acting without thinking”

Thought 155: On criticizing others

Some people are in the habit of criticizing others - even for trifling mistakes. Criticizing with a view to finding fault is not good; it hurts the self-esteem of the other person. When a person is hurt, he never learns; he only gets into the defensive mode. Pointing out mistakes with the intention of making the person to improve himself is OK, provided of course, the other person perceives it as such, positively. However, if he views it negatively, it would only result in eroding his self-esteem. It is very important for parents to note – when they are dealing especially with their teenage children.

Most people who are in the habit of criticizing even for small errors, never think of complimenting a person, even for jobs well done. If you do not compliment excellence, you should not comment on shoddiness also.

Never let go an opportunity to complement people for their accomplishments, however, trifling they are. There is nothing like a bit of applause to raise one's self esteem.

The next thought is about "Dealing with difficult people".

Thought 154: Leaders vs Managers (Continued)

A leader is not afraid of "change". He is supremely confident that he can manage any situation - because, he can innovate and improvise.

A leader is open-minded and can learn from any source. He has very few mental roadblocks. He loves whatever he does and likes the people with whom he works. “Instead of barking orders and pushing people around, a leader finds it more effective to steer people quietly but firmly”.

The Leader makes people participate intimately in the problems of the work place and this is how he succeeds to get superior performance and motivation from those who work with him. He is always with his people - always accessible. He loves to be in the trenches along with his "soldiers".

The next thought is about “On criticizing others”

Thought 154: Leaders vs Managers (Continued)

People follow someone only when he has something that they admire. A leader has followers – his followers admire something that he has. The manager does not have followers. The followers have faith in their leader – and faith means to believe implicitly. The followers follow the leader, not because, the latter asked or forced them to follow, but because, the leader inspired them in some inexplicable way. It is more an emotional affair between them.

The most important reason why people follow leaders, however, is that they perceive the leader to be committed to their interests and welfare. They see him giving priority for their welfare; it is always uppermost in his mind. His own interests take a back seat – in comparison to the interests of his followers.

A leader is one who has vision. “I had a dream”, proclaimed Martin Luther King Jr, who lead the movement for the emancipation of the blacks from the white supremacy in the USA. The leader has a charisma, by virtue of which, he inspires “ordinary persons to perform extraordinary tasks”. To get them to do this, he innovates and improvises, as needed. He can take risks and therefore, generally, sets his sights on big victories as opposed to small gains. A leader aims at, not only efficiency but, more importantly, aims at effectiveness. He can sacrifice efficiency, if effectiveness has to be achieved at the cost of efficiency. According to the well-known management expert, Peter Drucker, efficiency is to do a thing right, while effectiveness is to do the right thing.

A leader controls, more through trust, than by rules. He operates on the fundamental law – “you have to put in the bank first, before you can cash a check”. He relies more on the human side of the organization and less on rules and regulations. He organizes all collective activities through teams, rather than through committees. He motivates the teams to deal with visions and imaginative solutions, unlike the committees, which operate on the basis of an agenda.

The next thought is also about “Leaders vs Managers (Continued)”

Thought 154: Leaders vs Managers

A manager ensures that the system works in the manner it is expected to work. He is the custodian of the rules and regulations in an organization and it is his job to enforce them. A manager is concerned with efficiency.

While the manager is concerned with efficiency, the leader is concerned with efficiency as well as effectiveness. If “efficiency is doing a thing right, effectiveness is doing the right thing”, says Peter Drucker, the management Guru.

A leader is one who has vision. He has charisma, by virtue of which, he inspires “ordinary persons to perform extraordinarily”. People follow someone only when - he has something that they admire. A leader has followers. The manager does not have followers of that type - generally.

A Manager mostly says “yes” to get cooperation from subordinates – and he is usually afraid to say “no”, for fear of non-cooperation. The leader can say “no” and still get cheerful and enthusiastic cooperation. The followers would willingly do anything that their leader tells them to do - they do not need any extra patting on the back to do so. They like him; they trust him. He is their role-model.

The next thought is about “Leaders vs Managers (Continued)”

Thought 153: Expectations in life

Everyone has some expectations in life. Maslow said that there is a hierarchy in these expectations – that is, unless the lower level expectations are satisfied properly, man is not interested in the higher levels.

The first level of expectation is food, thirst, sex. This is the basic level of expectations. If this is not satisfied, the higher expectations do not appeal to any person. If a beggar (homeless person), who is not sure of his next meal, is offered the honorary position of president of a society, he will not be interested at all. He will say, “Give me some food instead of this honorary position”. Once the basic level is satisfied, the person wants to ensure that he has this food etc every day – that is, he looks for security, which is the next higher level. If the security is also satisfied, then and only then, does he crave for the next level – which is recognition in the society. When this is also satisfied, he wants self-actualisation or fulfilment. Thus, the higher level of expectation becomes important or relevant to him only when the lower levels are all satisfied.

The next thought is about “Leaders vs Managers”