Thought 185: People always talk - it is their prerogative

People are always talking - whether you like what they are talking or not. They are talking about everything, about everyone - even about themselves too. When they talk about themselves, it sounds like they are blowing their own trumpet.

They say that god has given us two eyes to see better, two ears to listen better but only one mouth to talk less! But this maxim is followed more in its breach than in compliance.

People talk - all the time. It is their right to talk. You may or may not like to listen to it. It is your right too - not to listen. Anything that you do in life becomes the concern of others. If you do well, it is talked about - some with admiration and others with jealousy. If you do not do well, it is also talked about - some with sympathy, others with a satisfaction that at last you are getting at least now - what you deserved to get long ago.

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Thought 184: Certain backgrounds result in certain types of behavior

When the baby calls the father "bad boy, daddy", the father not only does not complain, but he actually enjoys being called a "bad boy". He tells his wife proudly that the child is calling him a "bad boy". But were the child to call him a "bad man" 20 years later, he would have an entirely different response. There was no reaction to the baby calling him a "bad boy daddy", because there was an appreciation of the background from which the baby called him names. The background is innocence. Even when the older boy calls him a "bad man", there is perhaps a background - but the father is not willing to understand and accommodate this background.

Every person comes from a given background - and certain backgrounds result in certain types of behavior. With a certain kind of father, mother, associates, relatives, schooling, other environmental factors that went into a person's upbringing, he gets programmed in a unique way - and consequently, he behaves in a correspondingly unique way. With a similar background, I too would behave the same way as this person. That type of consideration of another person's background as the basis of my responses is what I call maturity.

But the great thing about a human being is that his childhood programming can be "undone". As an adult, I can always reprogram myself and change the habitual behavior patterns rooted in my childhood. This, of course, requires an intense internal urge to reprogram myself.

My response to a behavior depends on whether or not, I am able to understand and appreciate why the person is behaving the way he does. If I can appreciate the background, I will perhaps have sympathy for him. Or else, I will be angry. Sympathy gives rise to accommodation. Anger results in reaction – and resentment.

It is not easy to understand a person; it requires a great deal of patience. I know people, who have been very close friends for over a decade, becoming enemies suddenly. Both are unwilling to understand and accommodate each other - now. They were able to understand and accommodate each other until the hostility arose between them.

If one is willing to understand the background, he will try to accommodate. With a proper understanding of the background, he will refrain from reacting - and start responding.

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Thought 183: Every culture has its rules

The rules of Dharma are simply “ethics or moral values”. These ethics are especially concerned about values that should be instilled in children, when they are still young and impressionable. Some of you may question as to how we can succeed in life, if we operate with such highly principled norms, in the work places, which are invariably infested with ruthless and sometimes, even savage operators. I understand that the work place culture is a jungle culture – and I also understand that there are predators in every jungle. This thought, however, may clarify all such doubts.

We all have a family. We all have friends too. We all work also. Mostly, we operate in these three environments only.

These three environments invariably are quite distinct – dominated by their own distinct and unique cultures. Whatever culture we have in our family environment, for instance, does not prevail in the work environment. Every work place culture is unique to the particular work place only. Dealing and wheeling, however, is a common feature of the work place culture. “If I do this for you, what will you do for me in return” is the rule there. Every work place has its own politics and polarizations. Even in such work places, there may be individuals, who follow certain unquestionable ethics, but these are the exceptions to the rule.

Every culture has its own unique rules. Every culture has also its own unique ethics. It is Dharma when you follow the ethics and rules of a culture – no matter what they are.

When we are not aware of this fact, we tend to apply the ethics and rules that are applicable at home to the work place and vice versa. Consequently, when we do not get the expected responses, we are subject to disappointments, frustrations and conflicts. When there is no confusion about what ethics and rules we should follow in each culture, however, we are peaceful and happy.

Among friends too, we find both types of cultures. In some, we find a culture similar to what prevails in our own family - and in others, we find a business-deal type of culture. It is essential to clearly distinguish and recognize the type of culture in which the friend wants to operate. Here again, when there is no confusion, there are no disappointments, frustrations and conflicts.

Further, among the friends, there are two categories – those who are close friends, and those who try to pass for close friends, while in reality they are only acquaintances. A close friend does good without expecting any return. An acquaintance wants a return for every small thing he does for you; it is always a business deal with him. Here again, when we do not understand or recognize this fact, conflicts arise – and we are unhappy.

A similar confusion arises in relationships also. A relative should basically be a good friend – when only the relationship becomes a lasting relationship. Otherwise, it is either business relationship or a relationship marked by a series of ego trips - neither contributing to your happiness.

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Thought 182: The James Bond philosophy

When you hit a tennis ball hard on the ground, it bounces up. The greater the force with which you hit it, the higher it rises.

There are some people who are like the tennis ball. They consider every crisis as a challenge. The more severe the challenge, the more thrilled they are. The James Bond disposition – the 007 spirit. When you see the hair raising experiences of James Bond in his thrillers, you wonder how anyone can go through such nerve wracking experiences, with such brash unconcern to danger. But he does, with his unflappable disposition and temperament, which help him to wriggle out of those incredibly tense situations, unscathed. Imagine what would have been his condition, had he broken down, under the pressure of any of those testy moments, with self pity!

The episodes of James Bond may sound bizarre, but they have their uses too. They tell you that, if you do not panic and you do not indulge in self pity, you have the potential to improvise a solution to any difficulty or problem. I believe that life must have its thrilling moments – if only to recount to your grand children, sitting in front of the fire place, during the long winter evenings.

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Thought 181: Living in future is escaping the present

Insecurity is basically due to the fact that we are always living in future. We begin to imagine all sorts of horrible things happening to us when tomorrow comes. We live so much in dread of the future that we miss the present completely. We forget that we will never experience future; we can only experience the present. Why worry about something that we are not going to experience at all?

This excessive anxiety about the future makes our “present” miserable. Just as our past inputs (our hard work, our education, our training, our culture, and all similar inputs) alone determine our present and our present inputs alone determine our future. If the present inputs are defective because of the undue anxiety over the future, naturally, the future will not be good – making it a self-fulfilling prophesy. If we stop worrying about the future outcome, we can attend to the present inputs properly. If we have to worry at all, we should worry about the present inputs (are we giving the proper and timely inputs or not) – and not about their outcome. The output is directly proportional to the input. That is law of nature.

For the escapist and the pessimist, however, every little disappointment spells the doomsday. The habit of martyrdom is such that any little incident is enough to get them into a fit of despondency. If the car breaks down on the road, they get moody. If the collar button snaps while putting on the shirt during the morning rush, they throw a tantrum. If the child were to get a bad grade in the school, they work themselves into a temper.

It is the insecure and the pessimistic mind, which has too many irrational fears about the future. We do not know whether there is really a place called Hell. Probably not. With this type of mind, we do not have to look far for it – it is right in our minds only. We will be unnecessarily putting our minds through the wringer and suffer, when there is no reason at all for us to suffer. This type of mind makes the quality of the mind very poor. It is a very beautiful world out there. We should enjoy it. The lord has created it for our enjoyment. But are we enjoying? No. We are completely missing the present – for the future. We are content to merely add years to life – we never think of adding life to years”.

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Thought 180: Escapism is the way of life for some persons

The escapist is always trying to escape from the real world – does not wish to face even the simplest problems of life. He likes to ignore them like the ostrich – putting its head in the sand and hoping that there are no enemies around. He is basically a frightened individual – who is scared to face any unpleasant situation in life. He wants to convince himself, however, that he is a brave guy, by creating a make-believe scenario, like my friend Partha.

We were living some years ago in a camp on the hills near Dehradun, India. The houses were temporary structures. The bathrooms were outside in the open, slightly away from the main house. My friend, Partha, was fond of mystery novels written by Sexton Blake and James Hadley Chase. In mysteries, villains are always sending rattle snakes, through the gap between the outside door and the floor board, to kill the detective. He used to imagine that some one is out there to do the same to him. So, he is to design a unique redundancy in his safety precautions. His form of redundancy is some thing like this. In the olden days, in addition to the side flap and button, we used to have metal buckles and flaps on both sides of the pant. Then we also used to have loops for the leather belt. Reinforce all these with elastic suspenders too. On top of this, just in case, put your two hands in your two pant pocket!

At nighttime, Partha was in the habit of reading himself to sleep. While lying in bed and reading the thrillers that he was fond of, he used to get frightened; really frightened. Based on the above redundancy philosophy, he used to get up and stuff some old clothes tightly into the gap between the door and the floor board. He is still not quite satisfied. He used to imagine that the electricity may go off suddenly. So he used to keep a battery powered torch light under his pillow – just in case. But then, these battery cells are always unreliable. So it is safer to keep a candle and a box of matches handy near the bed on a table. Finally, when he puts of the light and tries to go to sleep, he finds that he can’t sleep. After tossing in the bed for sometime, he finds that he has to visit the bath room outside. But he is scared to venture outside all alone to the bath room. What to do – what to do? He hits on a plan. He pinches his small son (one year old), who is sleeping in the adjacent bed with its mother. The baby starts crying. His wife gets up and puts on the light. And there is now not only enough light but also sufficient noise to scare away the midnight marauders, lurking outside. He then bravely opens the main door to go outside to the bath room.

The escapist hates to face the real problems of this world; on the other hand, he is happy to create for himself imaginary problems - and spends his time happily solving the problems that are not there.

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